instagr.am.editingI never felt like I looked right or behaved the right way or said the right things. I don't know if I thought of myself as a little girl-more as a little person. I knew I wasn't a boy, but I didn't fit in with the girls out there because i've been spending most of my childhood time with my brother and his friends. GIRLS- they seemed pretty and dainty, not two words i would have used to describe myself. I grew in the suburbs, and I don't think I wore heels or wedges the first thirteen years of my life. I was running around, climbing trees, and beating up boys-bad stuff. That's the reason why people called me sandy (if you know spongebob's friend) because I like to beat or pinch guys-if they mess with me L O L XD . Those were the days long before we were'nt wearing watches. I never knew what time it was and I don't care!
If I was most afraid of anything, it was other people. I had terrible time of it. I was very awkward. I felt like all the other kids had gotten Cliff Notes on how to act. They knew how to be social and smart, and I didn't get it. I always got it wrong. I needed someone to tell me the rules. How easier my life before if i have a sister but badly i'm the older sister :( I was starved for someone to tell me the rules.
I knew who was in the popular clique, but I hadn't the vaguest notion how to work my way into it or even if it was something I wanted. I always had the wrong type of style. The bad dream kids all have? It actually happened to me. I went to school with my school uniform and without wearing hijab-that was terrible when you don't know how to wear it but other kids know. A little kid named Fatihah was the one to tell me. Very politely she said, "You might want to wear the tudung/hijab." That was the kind of thing that happened to me-and only to me. It happened when I was in standard 5. Since that day I started to tame with hijab and asked my seniors to wear it to me in school but i still not fully cover my hair till it came my matured time. At least that's how it felt: that I could never get it right.
I had my first best friend in primary school; her name was Aisyah. We used to sit at the back of our classroom (with the air-conds inside ahhh so cozy hihi) and study together. She was mamak look alike, very, very popular, and so, so smart. This was the time before I knew to be intimidated by girls like this. Later on, I started to make more best friend like Alia Suhana and Syer. They were pretty cool and smart girls-so i have to fight them all to get best position in the class haha. But hey, know what? also I have new best friend in high school. Atiqah Madzilan, Nazurah, Intanloy, Dinie, Nani, Zakwan and Mighaa. Knowing them is the best part in my life because their slumber and fool jokes cheerish me. That they made this whole mish-mash-conglomerate-of-a-life has affected everything I've done since. They made it very clear that there was nothing you couldn't do if you wanted to do it. That was how they lived their life, and that's what I learned from them.
When I was a girl, I just worried so much. Alone. With people. With Family. With friends. There was a lot of worrying. Now i have a great deal of faith in things going the way they are supposed to. It was rough., feel-ing so traumatized all the time. I'd like to reach that little kid I once was, and tell her to take it easy.
I'd say to her, "You're a good kid. Don't worry so much."